...NOTHING But Me.?!...

DEAR HEART,

I let go of someone I love because I felt everything’s was un-worth it, I told to my self i would never hurt myspelf again the same way I felt 3 years ago. I’m not going back either. I’m done with the past.

For this time around, I felt I have loved some one I thought he will be the next but in the end. It was just a BIG MISTAKE. I’m done being the option, I’m not a fucking choice anymore. SILLY? I gave him a handful of chances hoping in time everything would be different. 

But know what sucks? It wasn’t something to ruin what I’ve already had, in the first place I don’t and can’t have HIM at all. You came to me from the start, and that was 2 years ago. I didn’t think anything of it and in the end which was after 2 years I have these feelings for you that I don’t know what to do with it anymore. Each time when were together, and each time I gave you a chance, I’m the one left hurt. It’s different when actual feelings are involved but honestly, I don’t really think you had any to begin with. Because with the end results we now have. It’s like I was just another person to be with. But the thing that makes everything worse, I’m the one blamed. Not just the bullshit from others that don’t understand, but the guilt on my shoulders. 

I feel sick, disgusted, and disappointed at the same time. Why can’t I just not do what’s wrong or at least stop what I’m doing when I know it’s not right. Any way, in the end of this affair, I’m the one left HURT. Even if no affair happened, as what we always think about it. Memories of us together will always be in my HEART. You are the one who put my heart back into pieces and let my MISERY turned into HAPPINESS.

Moving on fast doesn’t mean I never cared about you, it just means I have no intention on dwelling on someone I can’t or don’t have at all. It’s because destiny says so. It’s pointless and such a waste of time. I didn’t depend on you anyway, so really. I can leave when I need to. I’m not afraid of leaving something that’s not good for me. I’ve come to terms where it’s more than easy. Yes, I know I’ll be upset or mad for a few days but it wont take months or even years. I’d just rather spend more time on being happy with my life. Live life as if I was not hurt and not to lived like I’m a depressed little bitch. Especially knowing the fact that I’ll be with someone better in the future. I’m just making things or either way, as in everything, easier on my part per se. I’m not saying I don’t cherish anything I have with someone. But deep inside my heart, I know I always I do, TRUST ME.

FROM:

ME

 It’s VERY HARD to forget the THINGS that made me HAPPY, just because in the END I will realized, IT’S OVER..

I can’t understand why I keep on talking about him all the time with my friends. But to think it was 3 years ago. This was about one guy who made me the BEST before and made me the WORST today, as what I think I am today. I don’t want to mentioned his name any more, because it’s an inappropriate thing to do either. He was the same age as mine, our love story was not perfect as what other may have it, we lasted for 2 years. But it was a ROCKY-ROAD relationship because I was so immature at that time, apparently because he was my first boyfriend. I was 20 years old then, when I met him. I don’t know about relationships at all, how it will go, what’s the feeling of having some one with you all the time. But during that time, for me, it was PERFECT. I was able to changed MYSELF for the BETTER just because I NEED TO and not WHAT IT SHOULD BE.

Memories of the PAST makes me feel so HAPPY and GRATEFUL because I experienced it, but sad to say it was meant to come to an end. I don’t know either that it will come to an end, the thing is I was not the one who said it QUIT but him. It was really, damn stupid for me not to know. I was still pretending it will work for US because, I’m still believing it will work. I’m still here holding on to what we had.Even those people around me mocking me to stop and find the LOST ME. I was so stubborn not to listen. I totally freaked out, when he left me. And I keep asking my self, is this what I deserve to have after all? There were days when I feel like breaking down and CRYING is the only way for me to feel better, it feels like everything is falling apart and there isn’t one thing I can do about it.

We haven’t have this formal break up but it’s like that, I left the Philippines without even saying I will left already and decided to finally MOVE ON. No goodbyes, no farewells. It’s very hard but I was able to make it. Not for him but for myself as well. The last thing I know about him was, he already have an affair with some one else. My reaction was NOTHING AT ALL.

Actually, nothing will help me but myself. I cannot finally say that I’ve moved on. But I’m happy now. I was able to give myself a BREAK, SPACE and finally explore new things that will make me feel CONTENTED. Love myself again and regaining what I’ve lost, which is the TRUE ME. STRONG yet VULNERABLE inside. Behind this STRONG PERSONALITY is a weak individual. Who seeks HAPPINESS in form of everything that was given to me.

I became WORST, but I know that I’m not. I used people to be HAPPY then left them after wards. Any way, I told to myself, it’s their choice. not me. They want to be with me but I don’t want to be with them. That’s the sad story behind it. I HATE COMMITMENTS, I HATE RELATIONSHIPS. I know with all the charm and all, I can easily take what I want, in a way I wanted it. By all means, I can have it. STUPID THINKING for me.

As time pass by, I’ve realized my mistakes. I don’t have to be WORST, just to find the satisfaction that I need. Every thing was OVER. I just have to accept it with all my heart so that it will not HURT A LOT.

Love felt like heaven when I was with you, and when you’re gone, I was hurt like HELL. 

Honestly, I don’t even know what really happened. When I think about it, all I remember is that I tried and I tried so hard, but you didn’t seem happy anymore no matter how hard I tried. Then, after a while you called it quits. All I ever wanted was your mesmerizing smile lighting up my life, and I was just not able to have that. The only thing that I wish for now is your happiness. If ever you realize that your happiness is with me, then I’ll be overjoyed. You’re always welcome. I am and I will always be here for you, and even though you happened to find love somewhere else, rest assured, I’m happy for you.  It was too late, when you’ve made the wrong choice, too many mistakes had been made, and the ending was you’ve LOST ME.

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